The Salsa Walrus

The room I was in contained 4 beds. Beside Mrs. Shnitzel there were two other people in the room when I arrived.

One was discharged almost as soon as I arrived, the second was an older gentleman who lay there amused watching the commotion for most of the day. I think he must have been heavily sedated. A series of Doctors came and went from his section of the room chatting to him briefly. Over the din of the hospital I determined that he had already had multiple bypass surgeries and was diabetic. He also had kidney failure caused by the diabetes and the amount of drugs he had consumed over a number of years. He was still smiling though.

One thing that struck me was the number of people with heart conditions and diabetes. It was quite shocking. As the week progressed I realized just how lucky I was. Diabetes leads to way more complications with heart disease. It becomes more and more difficult to treat heart problems and the heart problems complicate the diabetes. It becomes like watching a dog chase it's tail as the doctors and nurses struggle to treat these individuals.

By the end of day two the older gentleman was transferred to a private room so he could go through 4 hours of dialysis without being bothered. That just left Mr. and Mrs. Shnitzel and myself occupying the room. After a delicious dinner of pre-formed gray/brown roast beef (so tender that you stuff up the cracks of your log home walls to insulate you from the cool spring breezes) things settled down. Mr. Shnitzel kissed his wife and bid her goodnight just after the announcement that visiting hours were now over. All the guests were asked to head for the exits. Bedtime was coming.

I lay there on my side thinking, 'it's just Mrs. Shnitzel and me, maybe I'll get a decent nights sleep'. All we needed was the drug cart to wobble in and give us our sleep medications, then bliss. What was I thinking? I forgot where I was, the not so quiet hospital environment.

Shortly after 9:15 pm, the rattle of a gurney could be heard in the hallway, it paused at the nurse's station. Through the doors of our room came the ambulance crew with one of them giving a brief history. The other one was singing, I kid you not, he was belting out some soft rock favourite at full volume like he was trapped in a portable shower.

"62 year old female, suffering from chest pains, two doses of nitro at home two more during the ride when pain increased, subsequent easing of pain, please sign hear for our release, Don't Worry Dear Your in Good Hands Now, one two three shift her and Goodnight."

As the gurney passed the end of my bed I glanced up. For a moment I couldn't tell what it was I seeing. I did have my glasses on but there was this bizarre shape in front of me. There didn't seem to be any legs, just this massive torso. Really I'm not trying to be mean, it looked like there was just a torso with a salt and pepper clown wig at one end. After they shifted her onto the bed the curtain closed. I knew I hadn't received my sleeping medication so I wasn't dreaming.

This was the arrival of the Salsa Walrus. The attending started to take her information. It was like listening to a medical dictionary. Angina, arthritis, sleep apnea, psoriasis, 4 bypass surgeries, 6 stents, celiac disease, diabetes then I lost count. Five foot two, three hundred plus pounds, 'My chest pains started after my last Salsa lesson'. She had taken up Salsa again to get back into shape. Don't laugh, that's what she said even if she was lying. Then I had to bite my tongue to keep from laughing when the doctor said in the morning she would have to go for a treadmill stress test. She responded with, "I don't do stress tests very well because my legs are too short."
You can Salsa but you can't walk on a treadmill because your legs are too short. Isn't walking easier than Salsa….?

It only got more bizarre from there, as if this wasn't funny weird enough. The doctor said she would have to move one of her breasts to listen to her chest. There was an audible thump onto the bed as the breast was moved. "When was the last time you ate?" ….."Noon."….."W'ell see what we can get you."………"I have Celiac Disease."………."W'ell see what we can get you."……..

Time passed, drugs arrived I started to drift off as a plate of Mandarin Chicken with Rice arrived. I drifted off to a soft hoovering sound. Such was the arrival of the Salsa Walrus.