Meet the Schnitzels

After my surgery I was transferred to West 4, this is a newer part of Royal Jubilee Hospital. I was placed in the room that housed 4 patients.








One of the first things you notice as you enter this wing or any wing is a series of signs. Sanitize Your Hands before Entering, Visiting Hours are from 3pm to 8pm, Quiet Time is from 1:00 pm to 3:00pm, 2 Visitors per Patients are Allowed and finally Course Language or Physical Violence is Prohibited, Ejection from the Hospital will Occur.

Once you've been in your room for more than five minutes you quickly realize is that none of these rules seem to enforced, even the last one. I tested that rule the second day I was in. I didn't commit a violent act but surprise surprise I did use some course language as I walked down the hallway with Janna and Merete. I muttered something like " Get me the fuck out of here", much to the amusement of one of the other inmates.

Why did I utter such a profane request? It was because I had experienced the Schnitzels. The Schnitzels were an interesting couple of Austrians in their late eighties. Mr. Schnitzel is a short cartoon of a man almost a parody of a knee slapping Bavarian. He is about five feet five inches tall and when he isn't scurrying around he talks nonstop. Mrs. Schnitzel was the one in the hospital bed, at first she hardly moved. I think Mr. Schnitzel had verbally exhausted her and she was just recharging her batteries. I finally got a glimpse of her sitting on the edge of the bed. She was a small woman with dyed brown hair, she sat there with an oxygen mask on. It wasn't your normal clear tubed oxygen set up. It actually looked like she had a collapsed toilet paper roll stuck to her face like a paper moustache. Her bed was across the room from the bathroom, Mr. Schnitzel had gotten an extension attached to Mrs. Schnitzel oxygen line so she cross the room with some help and use the washroom.

The day I was shipped up to West 4, it was quiet time around 1:30 pm and Mr. Schnitzel was out to lunch with the other Schnitzels apparently. Shortly after Merete and Janna left the room, the horde of Austrian Canadians arrived back from having bratwurst and a lot of coffee. The eight of them filed in at about 2:30 and surrounded Momma Schnitzel's bed. They then proceeded to talk over each for the next 2 1/2 hours at a variety of volumes. I thought okay this is a one time visit it will get better. The bulk of the Schnitzels bid Momma goodnight and left Mr. Schnitzel with his wife as supper arrived. Poppa Schnitzel never shut up until 8pm. He read Momma her hospital menu, all the labels in the room, talked business, did the crossword out loud, you name it he talked about it.

The most fascinating thing for me as an observer was the language. He spoke fluent Germ-glish, a sentence would start in either English or German and points of interest would be punctuated in either language. Flowing from one language to the other was without pause or difficulty. I found it fascinating for the first 30 minutes but after 5 1/2 hours it became a little tedious. I swear the man did not breath. Finally day one ended and we lay in bed and listened to the sounds of the night; puking, carts, room buzzers the clatter of various shoe types and sizes …….finally the drugs kicked in and I slept for 3 or 4 hours.

Wednesday Morning. I hoped the day would be better. These foolish thoughts left me at 7:30am when Mr. Schnitzel arrived to read the breakfast menu and the morning paper. Then family Schnitzel arrived on mass and the din began and ran until noon at which time the lunch menu was read aloud like some kind of German Operatic Event. The entire family participated. Maybe I exaggerate a bit, but everyone gave an opinion. Then Poof, they were gone just prior to Merete and Janna's arrival. It was the Silence of the Schnitzel, the girls couldn't understand why I was on edge and muttered the afore mentioned profanity.

Thursday morning, Merete arrived and received the full Schnitzel experience. Even she was impressed with Poppa Schnitzel. Without a word of exaggeration Poppa Schnitzel talked for at least 4 hours straight. I know this because I was busy trying to convince my nurse to consult the doctor and get me sprung from this insanely noisy place and that took 4 hours. Don't get me wrong, there was a lot of love there, a lot of noisy Schnitzel Love.