The Torture Never Stops

Yes, I am quoting from a Frank Zappa song. In the background of the song there is someone moaning and screaming. I think it's my bowels.

It has been 6 weeks since Dr. M told me that my EF was too low. I finally got my test last Thursday at the 5 week mark. He has had the electronic posted results since that afternoon. Yet today I had to call his office to see if I could get some information. "No written documentation yet" and Dr.Mildenburger is out of the office this week but Ms Winehouse will leave him a note that I called.

Should I be pissed off, usually I have the Mildenburger Syndrome for only a few days. Now it's been six weeks, my stomach is a mess not to mention my attitude.

I think I'll call my trusty GP and see if he can suggest anything for my stomach and maybe see if he has the electronic version of the test results. There's a pro-active move for you, Just Reach Out and Grab the Specialist by His Horns. Well actually go around him to see the doctor you trust and maybe get an answer. We'll see won't we!

Barometers of Health

Just a little warning for those faint of heart or overly sensitive to the word Penis. Turn away now and read no further.

Please turn away, this may be too funny and the word Penis may be used a number of times.

Well at least I think it will be funny and probably filled with more information than you will ever need or ever wanted to know. The information you are about receive is based on years of observation and paticularly the past couple of years. It has been forced to the surface by the new and quite amusing Viagra commercials on TV. You know the ones where the sincere men talk about how Antiquing, Decorating, and Strolling almost ruined their lives.

Here's a little known fact I discovered. Much like the nose of a dog the male penis can be used as a Barometer of a Man's Health. When a dog's nose is damp and shiny the dog is in good health. When a dog's nose is dry and cracked something is lacking in the health department or it's day to day life. In man's case if a penis is blessed with good colouration and a firm demeanour the man is in good health. When a penis becomes pale and noodle like there is something wrong with with his health or there is something lacking in day to day life.

One might ask what can you do to help this pale noodle condition? It is quite simple really, one must evaluate one's life style and general health. Check your blood pressure if it is too low this may be a cause for concern. See your doctor. Perhaps a change of diet, more rest and drinking plenty of fluids may help. Cut back on alcohol, smoking and fatty foods there is nothing worse than a drunken, smokey fat penis.

Well that is all I have to say about man's little and sometimes not so little barometer. I didn't have much to do this morning, I was just noodling around the house and thought I would post something and share some knowledge.

"Without Deviation from the Norm, Progress is Not Possible." Frank Zappa

Still Waters run Pissed Off

Thursday I went and got Nuked Up for my EF test. I have had this test before. It involves a lot of waiting. First they put in an IV and put a little nuclear waste into your system. After thirty minutes the tech draws some blood out of your arm into a special syringe filled with more nuclear waste. Then you wait again.

In five minutes the tech comes back and puts the blood back into you. Now you will Light up the special MRI style camera. Each picture takes from five to fifteen minutes and as Anna the camera operator said this sets "The Gold Standard for EF Tests". In normal speak that means it's the most accurate.

I broke the Nuke Camera Speed record by being extremely still and produced the fastest EF test Anna had ever done. The first two pictures were done in just over five minutes each and the third was done in six minutes twenty seconds.

At the end of the test, I tried to dig some information out of Anna. She didn't give in saying, "You'll have the test results in a week to ten days, but Dr. Mildenburger has put a rush on this so he will have the results this afternoon."

He should have put a rush on it, I have been waiting since October 14th for this test. In the meantime I get to deal with phantom weird chest pains and anxiety attacks wondering what they are going to do with me.

If things are urgent I should get a call from the Electronic Boys. They may have to put in a De-Fibulator Device, this would kick in and shock the heart muscle into working properly.

Sounds like fun doesn't. I may have to retire from Big Box Work wouldn't want to Tazer any of the customers. It would be a mark on my permanent record.